How Do You Deal with Different Libidos in a Relationship?
In our work as relationship coaches, there is a common challenge that comes up often in intimate love relationships, and that is mismatched desire between two individuals. In this blog post, we’re having a little real talk and getting down and dirty about what mismatched desire is and how you can get on the same page with your partner when it comes to sex. Fire it up and let’s get started!
What is Mismatched Desire?
Mismatched desire happens when two people are not on the same page in terms of what they desire from sex and physical intimacy. There are two categories of mismatched desire.
A mismatch in the frequency of sex or physical intimacy. AKA, one person wants it more than the other person. One person is happy with every other week and the other person wants it daily. It’s like an underlying, constant battle of one person always initiating sex and getting frustrated, which puts the other person on the defensive and leads to the same fights over and over again.
A mismatch in the type of sex you’re having. AKA, one person likes a certain type of sex or a certain position and the other person doesn’t or the type of sex you’re having is almost scripted, with no variety. This leads to boredom in the bedroom, which can make it hard to get excited for sex.
In our work with clients, both of these types of mismatches come up on a daily basis. We get asked a lot what the magic number of times per week couples should be having sex is or what the magic position is, and we flat out don’t answer this question for our clients.
Why? Because there is no normal when it comes to sex and desire. There is no one-size-fits-all answer to how much sex you should be having or what type of sex you should be getting down with. This is truly unique to you and your partner’s relationship.
The fun is in the journey to figuring it out together as a couple and learning what you both like, dislike, and desire more of. It’s about what you’re co-creating with your partner. However, the problems arise when you’re not on the same page sexually.
Where Most Sexual Desire Conversations Go Wrong
If you and your partner are dealing with mismatched desire, the key is in the communication. We know that these conversations can be tricky and uncomfortable, but they are necessary for aligning your desires and moving forward together.
When it comes to these conversations about sex, most people mess up by coming right out the gate with a statement that feels like an attack on the other person. They might say something like, “we don’t have sex enough!” or “you never want to go on top!”
When one person feels attacked and the other is trying to defend themselves and prove a point, they simply don’t hear each other’s side, which can become a stalemate really fast. It turns into a spiral of an argument and eventually, they’re not even really talking about the issue. One person might give in and say, “you’re right, we should do better,” and then the conversation is over. This type of conversation is not productive and doesn’t lead to a different result or solution.
How To Communicate Your Sexual Desires To Your Partner
Setting up the conversation for success is important when communicating your sexual desires. This allows both people to express their desires and their side, but also actively listen to the other person’s point of view.
It requires both people to block out the distractions, put their phones down, and get curious about each other’s perspectives. Instead of going in on the defense or getting argumentative, approach the conversation from a place of calmness, love, and curiosity.
By starting the conversation differently, you have a better chance of getting a different result than you have in the past.
Instead of saying “we don’t have sex enough and I need more sex,” start the conversation by expressing how you’re feeling about your sex life and asking your partner how they are feeling about the frequency and type of sex you’re having. By getting them to open up to you, you can both express what you really desire and want to try.
Maybe they…
Wish you had more sex and were more closely connected.
Need to have more emotional connection and intimacy before jumping into bed and getting it on.
Crave more physical touch throughout the day.
Tell you they wish you felt more excited about sex.
These are all amazing things you can address in your conversation with your partner, but what about what you can do solo?
What You Can Do Individually To Increase Your Sexual Desire
Sexual desire isn’t all about your desire with your partner, it’s also about what you desire as an individual. Too often, people blame their partner for not having enough sex or not turning them on in the right ways, but the real question is, do you know what YOU want?
As humans, we are sexual beings, but we are often giving away our power and handing our happiness and sexuality over to our partner to control. The truth is, YOU own your sexuality, no one else.
A big part of increasing your sexual desire is getting in touch with your own sexuality and learning what turns YOU on.
Most people can’t tell you what turns them on because they’ve never taken the time to explore that question on their own. However, we encourage you to really dive into some self-exploration and learn what your desires are, because it starts from within you and with your thoughts.
How To Turn Yourself On
One of the best ways to turn yourself on is to get in touch with your own body and your own sexuality. It can be as simple as masturbating and exploring your body to figure out where you like to be touched and how you like to be touched
On an even more basic level, you have to lean into self-care and self-acceptance. If you’re not feeling sexy in your own body, then you’re not going to put out that energy of sexuality or desire. If you don’t feel good in your body, you’re not going to feel good having sex. This often happens if one partner has had a stressful week or month, has been eating unhealthy, or has gained a little weight. Not feeling great in your body can decrease your desire, so make it a priority to take care of yourself first so you can feel good not only in your day-to-day life, but in your intimate relationship with your partner.
Another aspect of this is having more self-acceptance for where you are and learning to love the body that you're in right now. Appreciate your body and have gratitude for your strength and beauty so you can learn to love yourself and own it when you’re naked with your partner. This is definitely a journey, not a destination.
As you work on loving yourself and accepting your body, you can start small. Turn off the lights or figure out the setting that makes you feel most sexy and turned on. Maybe it’s early in the morning or at night after the kids go to bed. Have those conversations with your partner so you can set your sexy time up for success and they know when you’ll have the most desire and confidence. Don’t be afraid to spell it out for them and let them know exactly what turns you on.
Other ways that you can explore your own sexual desires is checking out ethical porn sites if you are a visual person or listening to an erotic story, which can be super hot. Heck, you can even go old school and read a spicy romance novel or watch a good romance movie. Think about what it is in the sex scenes that are hot for you and turn you on. Then, tell or show your partner what it is you want to try.
Variety Is The Spice Of Life
It’s important to remember that throughout this journey to self-discovery and desire, science has proven that we all desire variety. It’s a total misconception that women want sex less than men want sex. Society has given us that narrative, and it’s completely false. Mismatched sexual desire happens equally for both genders and all forms of sexual orientation.
Variety is the spice of life, so think about different things that turn you on or that you’ve discovered during your self-exploration. Tell your partner what you’d like to try, whether it’s a new position, a different type of foreplay, or a different time of day. This can be a great way to start the conversation in a non-attacking way.
If you’re looking for more support in getting these sexy conversations started, we have a couple amazing free resources for you!
Our Yes, No, Let’s Talk resource is a great way to get the ball rolling on these conversations. Fill it out on your own and bring it to your next date night for some engaging conversations on what you would like to do in and out of the bedroom.
You can also grab our Sex Ed and Emotional Ed guides, which give more education about physical and emotional intimacy and include some conversation starters to help get things out in the open so you can start these important conversations with your partner.