How to Use Healthy Conflict to Connect and Fight FOR Your Relationship
How many times have you heard that fighting is bad and unhealthy for your relationship? People often assume that if you’re fighting all the time, then things aren’t good. However, we believe the opposite. Fighting can be a healthy part of your relationship that allows you to build a stronger connection.
It’s natural for people to steer clear of conflict because it’s uncomfortable, but the truth is, relationships with no fighting or conflict at all have a hard time getting to know each other at a deeper level and communicating their boundaries. That leads to issues getting swept under the rug. So today, we’re diving into all things conflict and sharing how you can use healthy conflict to connect and fight FOR your relationship.
Fighting FOR Your Relationship
We often say, if you're not fighting IN your relationship, you're not fighting FOR your relationship. When you're fighting, it gives you an opportunity to be vulnerable and share what really matters to you, which is so necessary. Once you realize that and learn how to fight in a healthy way, that's where truly successful relationships come from. Then, you can start to build deeper trust through the conflict by learning that you CAN disagree with your partner, repair, and still come back (and many times, stronger than before!).
Most people fear and avoid conflict because when they've attempted to do it in the past, they’ve ended up further apart, ignoring each other for days, and then not talking about it again for weeks or months until the next fight. Then the pattern continues. However, when you learn how to fight in a way that can be effective and successful, conflict can lead to much greater connection.
Red Flags of Fighting
In our work with couples, we often see some red flags and mistakes that occur for couples that get into fights that don’t end well.
Bad Timing
One of the biggest red flags is TIMING. Many couples choose the worst time to fight. Whether they’re pulling up to a friend’s house for dinner and initiating conflict or right away in the morning when trying to rush out the door, timing is EVERYTHING.
Bad timing makes it really hard to have a productive, healthy fight and puts a damper on the rest of day if they haven’t had the time to properly talk it out, fight, and repair.
Not Giving the Conversation Enough Thought
Another red flag of fighting we see is not giving a whole lot of thought to the conversation and conflict they're about to have. They don’t think about what they really want to communicate and say to their partner. They skip past the most important piece of the fight that will help them have a successful, productive conflict. They may not take the time to assess their surroundings and ensure they’re in a good environment for a fight and have enough time to really talk it out (AKA, NOT at a friend’s house for dinner!). They might be tired, starving, and ready for bed at the end of the night when they initiate a fight.
Of course, life happens and sometimes conflicts happen at inopportune times, but being aware of the timing and giving thought to the conversation at hand is really important to having healthy, productive, and successful conflicts.
Stacking
Stacking is a huge red flag in fighting. It’s when someone brings up one thing, and then instead of focusing on that with their partner, they stack on 10 other issues. Oftentimes, they feel like since they’re already having the conversation, they might as well get it all out at once, but that makes it impossible to stay focused on that one thing and sends their partner into fight or flight mode. This often puts them back on the offense and then their partner isn’t listening, empathizing, or hearing out their perspective. The key is to pick one topic at a time and stick to it.
Want to hear some examples of what stacking sounds like in a real fight? Check out our YouTube video for a few different stacking scenarios so you can avoid this red flag in your conflicts!
Bringing Up the Past
Another red flag we see a lot in conflict is bringing up issues from the past. Oftentimes, during a conflict, people will bring up something that their partner did years before, which is another form of stacking that isn’t productive during a conflict. This makes it feel like they’re keeping track of all the times their partner has wronged them in this way, which is hard to come back from. They just keep having the same fight over and over again, without anything being resolved. They didn’t feel like they were heard in the previous fights and the partner who is being “nagged” can feel frustrated that they just won’t forgive them and let it go.
In conflict, you're not going to stop talking about something until it feels like you've reached resolution, and your partner won't feel like you've reached resolution until they feel like you hear them, empathize with them, and understand their perspective. Then, you BOTH have to make an effort to change it going forward, which is a skill set that takes practice.
Competitive Fighting
The main reason why people don’t feel like their perspective is being heard during a fight is because they don’t want to be wrong in a fight and they turn to competition mode. They want to be the loudest and most aggressive in the fight so they can be heard, when in reality, that has the opposite effect. When you’re in this competitive fighting state of mind, you are not trying to understand the other person’s perspective. You are just trying to be heard so you can prove that you are right.
The most important part of communication and conflict is listening. You have to LEARN how to listen to your partner, reflect back, empathize, and see their perspective.
Never Ending Fights
Lastly, it’s important to know WHEN to end a fight so you’re not stuck in a never ending fight that goes on for hours with no resolution. It’s hard to walk away from a fight without feeling like there is a solid resolution or your side was heard, but sometimes, you have to end the fight and come back to it another time. Going back and forth and saying the same thing for hours on repeat is not productive.
This red flag often happens when couples aren’t fighting enough in their relationship. They tend to have a long, never ending fight once a month to get it all out, which just becomes a battle with no resolution.
As you learn to embrace fighting, conflict, and hard conversations, you won't be scared that you're never going to have a chance to talk about this again, because healthy conflict will just be a part of your relationship. Effective conflict and communication is about taking turns on the mic, sharing what’s on your mind, and also actively listening to the other person’s side so you can BOTH feel seen, heard, and understood.
What Happens After a Fight
After a fight, it’s common for couples to either ignore each other or pretend they never talked about the issue in the first place. Maybe they don’t feel like they were heard or understood and are still angry, resentful, and hurt while they’re partner acts like nothing happened and everything is normal and okay. This happens a lot because you may not be the kind of person that forgives easily and your partner may be the opposite.
Whether you're someone who holds a grudge and stays resentful or you’re someone who forgives easily, it’s important to create trust within yourself and with each other. Trust the process of conflict and lean into it so you can connect deeper through it. Come back together after a fight, check in with one another, and communicate about your feelings AFTER the fight. This is how you can use conflict to create deeper connection in your relationship.
Tips for Healthy Conflict and Greater Connection
Now that you've heard the red flags of fighting and what often happens after a fight, here are a few tips to help you have healthy conflict and greater connection in your relationship.
Tip #1: Think about the set-up and timing of the conflict.
Think about when and where you will have the conversation and ensure you can give your partner your undivided attention without rushing off to something else.
Tip #2: Focus on listening.
Instead of thinking about what you’re going to say next, focus on listening to your partner. Come up with a plan to share the mic so you and your partner can both be heard and take turns listening, empathizing, and hearing the other person’s perspective.
Tip #3: Know when to turn the conversation off.
Marathon fighting doesn't help anyone. When you start to recognize that you're saying the same things over and over with no resolution or repair happening, know when to make the decision to turn the conversation off and agree to create a plan to come back to the conversation another time.
Conflict isn’t something to avoid or be scared of. It’s a natural part of being in a relationship and is a great opportunity (when done right!) to come together, understand each other, and emerge more connected and understanding of each other than before.
If you are ready to learn how to fight right, avoid the fighting red flags, and connect deeper through conflict, check out our course, From Conflict to Connection, where we’ll help you fight with purpose and grow together.