Should I stay or should I go? Did you know that this is one of the most highly searched Google terms? It’s not surprising though, because this day in age, so many couples are facing distress, unhappiness, and frustration in their relationship. With the divorce rate climbing to 50%, this question seems to be the first thing that comes to people’s minds when they are faced with hardships in their relationship. They wonder, should I stay in this relationship or should I leave? What should I do? How do I know what the right answer is for me? 

So often in today’s culture, we’re always searching to see if the grass is greener on the other side. Our expectations for our relationships have become so high as we expect our partners to satisfy ALL of our needs in ALL the right ways, which is a pretty high ask of them. If you’re here because you find yourself asking the question, “should I stay or should I go?”, we’re here to help you find clarity through 6 powerful exercises and questions so you can find the answers you need to make this massive, life-changing decision. Let’s dive in!

6 Questions to Ask to Gain Clarity in Your Relationship

#1: Meet Your Partner Today - Would you fall in love with your partner TODAY?

Imagine for a minute that you're not in a relationship, that you're not married, and your bestie sets you up on a blind date, and that blind date just so happens to be with your partner. Here’s the kicker though… it’s not your partner of 20 years ago when you met. It’s your partner of today. It’s the person they are today, what they look like, what their interests are, how they spend their time, and how they are relationally with you… today. Imagine going on a dinner date with your blind date. 

• What are you thinking? 

• What are your first impressions?  

• What are you feeling? 

• What is the visceral reaction that you have?  

• Are you drawn to them?  

• Are you looking forward to walking closer, sitting down at the table with them, and  getting to know them?

• Once you sit down, what is your conversation like?  

• Are you enjoying that conversation?  

• Are you curious about who they are and what they stand for?

After imagining this and asking those questions, do you like the answers that you're getting? AKA, would you fall in love with that person today?

If the answer is no, then you have to ask yourself if you want to stay with someone who you wouldn't fall in love with today. There's no right or wrong answer, but it’s something important to consider. 

#2: One Thing You Share - Do you have at least one thing that you do with your partner that you BOTH love?

The next question to help you decide if you should stay or go is around shared activities or traditions. Do you have at least one thing that you share with your partner that you look forward to doing together, outside of being parents, dog owners, etc. What is that one thing that you look forward to doing together consistently that brings you closer together after experiencing it? 

The key is, it has to be something that you BOTH enjoy, not something one partner does to support the other in their interest. This could be hiking, skiing, going to concerts or shows, working out together, house hunting and getting ideas for your home, trying new restaurants, or simply grabbing coffee and strolling the farmer’s market on weekends. 

Science backs up the fact that if you have one thing that you share with someone, that can be a bond that keeps you tied together in a good way. It can be the thing that keeps you together and keeps you connected. You don’t have to do EVERYTHING together, but you NEED to have that one thing that you both love to do together. 

#3: One Thing You’d Change - If you could change one thing that your partner does, what would it be?

While this might be a loaded question, asking yourself if there’s one thing you could change about your partner can help you determine if you should stay or go in your relationship. Of course, you can’t change your partner, but people CAN change the things they say and do. 

We’re not talking about your partner’s character or personality in this instance, but instead, we’re talking about habits and lifestyle choices, things that can be changed that are causing turmoil in your relationship. This could be work habits, how much time they spend with their friends instead of at home with the family, money habits, etc. 

Once you’ve determined what that one thing you’d change would be, ask yourself:

• Do they know this is causing turmoil and resentment? 

• Do they know that you want them to change this? 

• Do they agree? 

• Do they want to change it too?

• Is it a recurring issue or topic that comes up in your relationship?

• If so, how are you resolving that?

You can dig into this more in your own mind when thinking about it and ask yourself if they would be willing to change this if they knew how important it was to you and if you believe they’re capable of changing it. If you were to ask them to change it, do you think it would feel like an attack on their character or values in some way? 

#4: The Magic Wand - If you could magically wave away everything that is “wrong” or causes you pain in your relationship, would you still be contemplating if you should stay or go?

This question is a quick one. Imagine that you have a magic wand and can wave away everything that is wrong, that causes you pain, or that keeps you up at night related to your relationship. All of it is suddenly *poof* gone! 

If this were the case, would you still be asking the question, should I stay or should I go?  

#5: Max Capacity - Are you willing to give more than you’re giving right now without the expectation of your partner giving it back, or are you maxed out? 

The next question is a max capacity question. Are you willing to give more than you’re giving in your relationship right now? Yes, this feels like a heavy question, but stay with us, because it’s important. 

• Are you at your max capacity in your relationship or are you not really trying enough?

• How much emotional or physical energy have you been putting into your relationship?

• Do you have more to give in your relationship or are you maxed out and giving 100%?

• If you’re not giving 100%, are you willing to give it without the expectation of getting anything back? 

So often, it becomes a game of only being willing to give more if your partner gives more in return. It’s a tit for tat game that brings up deeper issues and perpetual problems that you’ve been fighting about for a long time, over and over again. 

This is not about keeping score. It’s about asking yourself what capacity you’re at and if you are willing to give more  without expecting anything in return.

#6: Sexual Desires - Is your relationship meeting your sexual needs and desires and are they a mismatch for your partner’s? 

We saved the juicy question for last, and that question is all about SEX. Is your relationship meeting your sexual needs and desires and are they a match for your partner’s? Oftentimes, issues arise when there is a mismatch in sexual needs and desires, which can be how often you both want sex and what type of sex, physical touch, or intimacy you crave. 

This is a big problem area in a lot of relationships. The even bigger question then becomes:

• Are you willing to dig deeper to get to the bottom of it? 

• Are you willing to talk about it, get curious, and explore how you can BOTH meet each other’s needs? 

• Are you entrenched in your point of view and feeling maxed out? 

• Are you willing to get out of your point of view for long enough to get curious about what's going on for them?

Oftentimes, sexual desires come to a standstill, even in the early years of a relationship, because couples are too scared to have this hard conversation and get on the same page. However, if you keep sweeping it under the rug, it will always be a problem and cause dysfunction and cycles of fighting. 

With all of these exercises and questions, the overarching theme comes down to the bigger question of, are you willing to talk about these issues?

When you think about the question of should I stay or should I go, you should really be asking yourself, “am I talking with my partner?” 

Do they know what I’m wondering or thinking about? Am I on the fence all alone, or are they feeling this way too? 

If you’re ready to get brave, stop sweeping things under the rug, and finally have the hard conversations and sort these things out, we’re here for you! 

Let us help guide you through these 6 questions and more so you can determine if you should stay or go and come out the other side more connected and thriving than ever before! 

You ready? Let’s talk!