Relationships are everything.

It’s our tagline. 

We believe it. 

We know it to be true. 

How do we know it? 

Because when the relationships in your life are in turmoil, whether that’s your relationship with yourself, with your family, with your partner, etc., it affects all the other areas of your life. 

Yes - ALL OF THEM!  Including your physical and mental health. 

One study from Harvard University found that the lack of strong relationships increased the risk of premature death from all causes by 50%. 

According to former Surgeon General Vivek Murthy, among others, loneliness can be deadly.

Loneliness has been estimated to shorten a person’s life by 15 years, equivalent in impact to being obese or smoking 15 cigarettes per day. 

That’s wild!!

But, are we really all that lonely?

Recent studies say we are.

This page summarizes statistics and data from major surveys on loneliness and isolation in America between 2016-2021. The results are sad, to say the least. They also show that things are getting worse, not better, with our younger generations feeling lonelier than ever.

One article in the Scientific American states:

“ … a recent study found that a staggering 47 percent of Americans often feel alone, left out, and lacking meaningful connection with others. This is true for all ages, from teenagers to older adults.”

This recent post on The Gottman Institute blog reported:

“Loneliness is a common experience. In 2019, 61% of Americans reported they were lonely. Forty-seven percent of adults said they sometimes or always felt their relationships were not meaningful. MDLinx, a news service for physicians reporting on loneliness, called it an ‘epidemic’ and noted these statistics are ‘double the number affected a few decades ago.’”

What are we doing wrong? How do we build strong relationships? How do we avoid these feelings of loneliness?

Loneliness is not just characterized by being physically alone. Loneliness can occur even when we are surrounded by people. 

Dr. Dilip Jeste, the senior author of this loneliness study and a professor of psychiatry and neurosciences at the University of California, San Diego, has described loneliness as:

“the discrepancy between the social relationships you want and the social relationships you have.” 

Read that again.

Essentially, he is saying that loneliness is a construct that we ourselves create in our minds. If that’s the case, like so many other things in life, we have the ability to change our feelings of loneliness and transform them. 

Yes, easier said than done, but wow! The power of our brains and perspective is mind blowing 🤯.

So, what can we do to build strong relationships?

1. It all starts with the relationship you have with yourself. When you truly know yourself, your values, who you want to be, what matters most to you, and have self-compassion and self-empathy, only then can you have the self-awareness to dig into the discrepancy that Dr. Jeste talks about in the quote above. Only then can you reach a deeper level of connection with others. 

2. Start choosing vulnerability and intimacy in order to create meaningful connections. How many times in our lives do we get asked questions like, “How are you?” or “How are the kids?” or “How’s your work going?” We often choose to change the subject or answer in general, high level, or one word answers. It is in those moments, especially with the people we want to cultivate quality relationships with, that we need to CHOOSE to be vulnerable in order to create and cultivate intimacy in that conversation and that relationship.

If you want to create more intimacy in your marriage or with your partner, consider taking our course Refuel The Intimacy In Your Relationship or reach out to us to see how we can support you.