Relationships are such a key part of our lives, our happiness, and our future, but what happens when one partner starts to show narcissistic traits? This can have a huge impact on the dynamics, connection, and communication of the couple. Let’s be honest, narcissism is an unhealthy personality disorder that can lead to emotional and mental tolls in a relationship. So, what should you do if you’re wondering, is my partner a narcissist? Read on to learn how to identify narcissistic traits and red flags, how to tell if your husband or wife is a narcissist, and what to do if they are.

What is a Narcissist?

A narcissist is someone who has an excessive sense of self-importance and believes they are superior to everyone else. They feel the need to make everything about them and constantly seek admiration from others. Narcissists lack empathy and are unable to see or understand the viewpoints or feelings of others. While some level of self-importance and seeking admiration is normal, narcissists take this to a whole new level.

Common Traits of a Narcissist

When it comes to romantic relationships, it’s important to learn the common traits of narcissists so you can look out for them in your partner or potential partners. 

Some of the most common traits of narcissists are:

• Grandiose sense of self-importance and superiority to others in various aspects of life. 

• Lack of empathy for others and how they are feeling or experiencing situations. Narcissists prioritize their own needs and desires and need them to be heard and validated above all else.

• Manipulative behavior and gaslighting. Narcissists often manipulate situations and people to serve their own interests, without regard for the consequences or how it makes others feel.

• Sense of entitlement. They believe they are entitled to special treatment and often get frustrated or angry when their expectations aren’t met. 

• Difficulty accepting criticism. Narcissists have a “my way or the highway” mentality, and when faced with criticism, they become extremely defensive or angry, as it challenges their grandiose self-image. 

• Constant need for validation. They seek out constant admiration, praise, and validation from others to keep their self-esteem and self-worth intact.

How to Tell if Your Husband or Wife is a Narcissist

Have you ever wondered, is my husband a narcissist? Or, is my wife a narcissist? It can be tough to recognize (and cope with) these narcissistic traits if they are present in your relationship. As the partner, you don’t want to believe these traits are true or present. You might be in denial that your partner is actually a narcissist. Plus, narcissistic traits can be tough to pinpoint, especially if they are subtle or hidden behind other behaviors. You may think to yourself, “this is how they’ve always been,” or “that’s just how they are.”

However, there are some telltale signs of narcissism to watch out for:

• Self-centeredness. Does your husband or wife often prioritize their own needs and desires above yours? Do they even ask or care about what you want or need in life and a relationship? 

• Lack of empathy. The way your partner responds to your emotions, experiences, and feelings says a lot about them. Are they genuinely concerned or interested in hearing your side? Do they seek to understand you, or immediately dismiss, minimize, or push your feelings under the rug? 

• Manipulative behavior. Does your partner often make you feel guilty or responsible for their actions, emotions, and outbursts? Are you made to feel crazy (just to get the attention off of them?). AKA… gaslighting!

• Pattern of grandiosity. Does your partner constantly brag about their achievements, successes, and abilities? Are they obsessed with power, beauty, brilliance, and the “ideals” in life? 

• Difficulty in resolving conflicts. When conflicts arise between you and your partner, do they escalate and turn into a one-sided argument because your partner is unable to listen to your side, understand your viewpoint, take responsibility, or compromise? 

• Emotional rollercoaster. Do you often feel like you’re on an unpredictable, confusing, and emotionally draining rollercoaster after interacting with your partner? Is it exhausting trying to figure out or plan for how they’ll react and respond to situations or conflicts?  

Red Flags of a Narcissist

It’s no secret that every relationship has its ups and downs and challenges, whether there’s a narcissist present or not. However, certain behaviors and patterns can be major red flags pointing to a deeper seeded issue with narcissism. 

These red flags are:

• Gaslighting and manipulating your memory or experience, making you doubt your own perceptions or sanity. 

• Isolating you from friends, family, or support systems in order to control you. 

• Exploiting you for their own personal gain or agendas. 

• Emotionally abusing you in verbal attacks that belittle or demean you in order to keep the power and control in the relationship.  

• Love-bombing and showering you with tons of affection, attention, and gifts early on in the relationship (or when they feel their power slipping), only to go back to their same narcissistic patterns. 

• Lacking long-term friends and real connections with others.

• Never apologizing when they are wrong or have lashed out. 

What To Do If Your Partner is a Narcissist

Dealing with a narcissistic partner is emotionally draining (which you already know if you’re in this situation!). You might be in denial or fear bringing the issue up for how they’ll react. Just remember, protecting yourself, your well-being, and your self-worth is important for both you as a person and your relationship as a whole. If your partner is a narcissist, there are a few steps you can take to start working through this and standing up for yourself. 

• Set boundaries: Communicate your needs, desires, and boundaries to your partner on a consistent basis and don’t be afraid to enforce them. Put your foot down and be your own advocate! 

• Seek support by talking to trusted friends, family members, a therapist, or a relationship coach for support and guidance in navigating a relationship with a narcissist.

• Prioritize self-care and your own mental and emotional well-being. Participate in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment and allow you to maintain a sense of peace in your life.

• Consider counseling or couples therapy, as it can give you and your partner a safe space to discuss your feelings, have a mediator for conversations, and develop coping strategies together. 

• Evaluate your options and what the next best step for you is. If the relationship has become toxic or abusive, it may be time to seek professional help ASAP or think about leaving the relationship altogether. 

Narcissism is a tricky personality disorder to deal with, especially if the traits you see in your partner have gotten worse over the years. Maybe they aren’t the same person you fell in love with in the beginning. You know that person is deep down there somewhere, but it’s hard to see past the painful, hurtful, and unpredictable traits they now show. The more you can recognize, address, and cope with the narcissistic traits of your partner, the closer you’ll be to having a healthy, fulfilling life, whether that means working on your relationship or choosing to part ways. Remember, you deserve to be in a relationship where you are seen, heard, understood, respected, valued, and loved, just as you are. 

If you’re ready to start having the hard conversations about these narcissistic behaviours and what it looks like to navigate them together, check out our From Conflict to Connection program, where we’ll help you fight with purpose and grow together through conflict.