Gaslighting… it’s one of those terms that has been thrown around a lot lately. It pops up in conversations, in the media and pop culture, in song lyrics, on social media platforms, and even in the conversations of our youth. It’s been overused and weaponized in a way, but what exactly is gaslighting? In this blog post, we’re breaking down what gaslighting is, the two types of gaslighting, how you can tell if it’s occurring in your relationship, and 3 ways that you can gain awareness and get out of “gaslighting patterns.” 

What is Gaslighting?

In its simplest form, gaslighting involves manipulating your partner into doubting their own reality and what is true for them. It can be a form of abuse that can have devastating effects on an individual's sense of self and their relationship dynamics. Gaslighting can make someone question their sanity, doubt their memories, and even feel like they are going "crazy." It can make them question, “Did I really just hear that or experience that?” or “Is there something wrong with me?”

The Two Faces of Gaslighting: Big G and Little G

Gaslighting can happen in two different ways, which we like to call “Big G” gaslighting and “Little G” gaslighting. 

“Big G” Gaslighting

This type of gaslighting is often what we hear in the media, and it’s typically very intentional and involves more mental and emotional abuse. 

Big G” gaslighting includes projecting flaws, creating fault, and isolating the partner from their support system. For example, if the gaslighter is cheating, they’ll accuse their partner of cheating on them. They’ll deny any suspicious behavior on their part and shift the blame and fault to their partner. Another example is questioning where they were at different times, what they were doing, and asking how and why they would/should trust them. This makes the other person feel like they’re the crazy one and causes them to never question the other partner, only themselves. 

Another example of “Big G” gaslighting is telling your partner it’s their fault that you cheated because they never have sex with you. Another classic way that “Big G” gaslighting occurs is isolating their partner from the people that would normally be their support system so that they can only rely on the gaslighter. They may say things like "I've talked to your siblings or your parents about this and they agree with me that you overreacted and shouldn’t be doing this.” It could also sound like, “You know what all of your friends are saying about you.” All of this causes the other partner to second guess their reality and make them think everyone is against them, driving a wedge between their partner and their family/friends so they stick to themselves. 

“Little G” Gaslighting

“Little G” gaslighting often occurs unintentionally and subtly in small, everyday interactions. We would argue that “Little G” gaslighting is happening in every single relationship. These are all the little ways that our partner makes us feel like we’re crazy. It’s simpler things like saying you aren’t remembering something correctly or telling them how it really went down. It invalidates a partner’s experiences, memories, and emotions and makes them question if what they remember or feel is valid or correct. It can even be as simple as one partner saying they’re tired and the other partner saying, “How can you be tired? I slept next to you last night and you slept like a rock.” Then the other partner thinks to themselves, “Am I tired? Did I have a good night’s sleep?”

The other way that “Little G” gaslighting shows up is being told that our feelings are wrong. The gaslighter may tell the other partner that they remember it wrong, or their feelings aren’t right for this situation. This often shows up sounding like, “That was just a joke! Geesh, relax,” or “I didn’t mean it that way. You should know that.” In these scenarios, the gaslighter is letting themself off the hook and saying that the other partner shouldn’t be feeling a certain way because they didn’t mean to hurt their feelings or say it that way. These are the smaller, underlying, unintentional ways that gaslighting occurs in our relationships. It all goes back to not hearing or validating the other partner’s truth. 

Recognizing Gaslighting in Relationships

When there is a constant invalidation of our partner’s feelings, thoughts, and reality, it starts to really erode the trust in the relationship. It’s like you’re fighting over the wrong thing, over who’s right and who remembered it correctly. 

Here’s the simple truth: We’re never going to remember events or experiences the exact same way as our partner. 

That is the essence of the human experience. We’re all in different bodies and have different emotions. Instead of trying to even the playing field, try to get curious about what their experience was. That can be a game changer in relationships! Then, you can validate their experience, which doesn’t say that your experience is wrong. It simply acknowledges that what they experienced is true for them. Then you can really start to have good conversations about what they’re thinking, feeling, and needing, versus arguing about the little things. 

We understand many people are NOT trying to gaslight their partners or do anything hurtful intentionally. It’s just these small, subtle ways that we erode the fabric of our relationship that can lead to a breakdown of trust. When this trust is eroded, it makes partners feel scared to tell their partner what they are really experiencing, thinking, and feeling, blurring the lines of communication. These “Little G” gaslighting actions are like paper cuts to the heart. They’re small, but painful. 

Addressing Gaslighting: Three Steps to Validation

Now that you know what gaslighting is and what it can look like in a relationship, we want to share a few ways that you can become more aware of gaslighting patterns so you can eliminate them in your relationship. There’s three simple steps to start recognizing, validating, and acknowledging your partner’s experiences and feelings. 

Step 1: Listen

Actively listen to your partner without interrupting or dismissing their thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Get curious about what they’re telling you and encourage them to say more by asking open-ended questions. Aim to really, truly hear them without trying to share your experience of that situation or overstep. Listen and hear them out, and if their experience was negative, empathize with them. 

Step 2: Empathize

Empathize with your partner and let them know that what they’re experiencing is valid and sounds really difficult and painful for them. Even if you don’t agree or feel the same way, recognize and empathize with whatever pain or feeling they’re experiencing. 

Step 3: Validate

Acknowledge and validate your partner's experiences and feelings, letting them know that you believe them and that their perspective matters. Let them know that you understand that the experience was hard for them, that they are seen, heard, and that their experience matters. This can help you come to a resolution so this doesn’t happen in the future. This step is crucial for rebuilding trust and fostering open communication in the relationship.

In the end, we’re all human. We all mess up and gaslighting is bound to occur. However, by being more aware of these patterns and understanding the ways that “Big G” and “Little G” gaslighting occurs and strains our relationships, we can work to improve our communication and understanding of one another. 

If you’re ready to create a healthier, more empathetic, thriving relationship based on trust and mutual respect, join us inside of our Thrive Together program, where we’ll help you unlock the secrets to effective communication, overcome obstacles and issues that have come between you, and finally feel seen, heard and understood.