Did you know there is a “day” for literally almost everything?

As we started to get really deep into the world of social media and developing content, we started coming across content calendars, ideas, etc., all the time, and they always have links to national holidays, days of observance, etc.

They include real things, like this month, there is Ramadan, Passover, and Easter on the calendar. But, they also include THE MOST bizarre things too. Like this month, there is Find a Rainbow Day and National Velociraptor Awareness Day (actually, we’re not making this up).

The “day” that really caught our eye this month though, so much so that we made it the theme of this month’s blog, was April 14th - National Ex-Spouse Day.

The day was created to reflect on the positive moments you shared with your ex. How awesome is that?!

We live in a society where the end of relationships is still seen as a failure to so many. (This is something we have always called total bullshit on, BTW).

Soooo, seeing a national day dedicated to celebrating our ex-spouse/partner was so refreshing. I mean you were with them, or married to them, or perhaps they are the mother/father of your children. At one point, there were things you loved about them!

And this brought up two age old questions:

1) Should you stay friends with an ex?

2) Is it even possible to be friends with an ex?

Something we've been noticing lately is that so many couples, after they split, are becoming archenemies. The hatred between them grows rather than diminishes with time.

And we stopped to think about why that is.

Three reasons we believe people are not able to move forward in a healthy relationship with their ex are:

1) Forgetting What Really Matters

We’ve noticed so many clients, friends, and acquaintances have similar stories of parting with their ex and getting caught up in break up decisions centered around the division of property/material things.

We’re willing to even call ourselves out when we fall into these traps. A perfect example of this is when Lisa was going through her divorce process four years ago and didn’t want to let go of her bestie, Alexa, in her divorce. I had to remind her that there are one million more Alexas at the store and it wasn't worth the fight.

Or the couple one of our lawyer friends has had as clients almost 24 months now who spent months stuck on the decision of who would get their fancy toaster oven.

It’s easy to do, but getting stuck on material things causes you to lose sight of what really matters in the long run, which is moving on and healing.

2) Living in the What If and If Only Zone

Many coaching relationships with our clients begin with statements like “If only we hadn’t had that last big fight” or “What if I had not said this or that” or “If only she/he had agreed to get counseling sooner.”

 Living in the zone of what if’s and if only’s serves only to keep you stuck in the past. A relationship cannot move forward when the path forward is blocked by these phrases because they inherently insinuate that a different version of the past could have produced a better version of the present or future. Then, the focus is stuck on what could have been instead of living in what is.

 3) Not Taking Time to Heal

So many people reach the end of a relationship and are just ready to forget about it. They don’t take the time to heal, which is necessary whether you are the one leaving or the one being left. We have noticed in so many ex-partners, a conscious or unconscious desire to still try to hurt the other person. Therefore, people take jabs at their ex even though the relationship is over.

The bottom line is that hurt people hurt people. Sometimes we can be holding on to past hurt without even realizing it.

What we're seeing is that holding on to the resentments of the past and not forgiving your ex is actually robbing people of their love and connection in their next relationships. We believe that relationships are everything.

So, should you stay friends with an ex? Hell, yes.

Here are three reasons why we think you should be friends with your ex:

 1) It’s Good For You

Forgiving all that went down in the past with your ex is more than a gift to them. It is THE biggest gift that you can give yourself. When you live with resentment and regret, it will start to erode your health and happiness, not just mentally, but even physically. It is literally poison to your well-being. So be at peace and move on. As Malachy McCourt once said, “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

2) It’s Good For Your Ex

Before you say you don’t care, particularly for those people who share custody of children or pets, when your ex is more at peace, more healthy, and more fulfilled, your future relationship with them will come more easily. Being friends or even amicable with them will absolutely increase their well-being and happiness.

It will make your life infinitely easier in the future if you are amicable and can be flexible, for instance, to swap days in the future if you want to take the kids to Aunt Lucia’s wedding or you need to leave the dog so you can go out of town for Grandpa Bob’s funeral.

3) It’s Good For All of Your Relationships

Whether it is your mom who wants to stay friends with your ex or the fact that you may be co-parenting with your ex for life, remaining friends with your ex will benefit all of your relationships.

Most people would like to move on to another relationship, and it's a huge red flag to new partners when someone is still in a toxic relationship with their ex.

Conversely, it's very attractive when somebody has a healthy and amicable relationship with their ex and speaks about them respectfully. It is a sign of emotional progress and growth and will allow you to move forward in future healthy relationships. And that’s hot!

Now, all of this begs the question, are there ever times when you shouldn’t remain friends with your ex?

Of course. There’s exceptions to everything in life. Generally, the big ones are, if you are in danger, move on. If there are still romantic feelings or hopes of reconciliation, there’s work to be done before friendship can be achieved. Lastly, if you haven't taken the time to heal, friendship may not yet be possible for you. So take that time!!

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